harry and what will never be written by JKR
by nath2410
Summary: I think the title is quite clear: it's like nonyetexisting book seven, but it's not making any sens at all!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I am not JKR, I don't own any of the characters, they're (almost) allJ-K Rowling's (though I made up one). I am not making any money with this fanfiction. However, everithing happening here came out of my deranged brains...

**Disclaimer:** I tried to make that fanfiction somehow fun. If it is not, please tell me so I get back to math homework. If it is, tell me too because I like to be congratulated. I'm waiting for your rewiews. I'd like to thanks an other fanfiction author, Moony June, for that's reading her fanfiction (Harry Potter and the insane author) tahtI came up with idea of doing the same. I hope I'll do just as good.

Harry was kind of disappointed. That was the first birthday he spent quietly, but all the Dursleys were away for dinner and he realised he wouldn't have the fun to give them a Brandnew haircut and remind Dudley of what happened 6 years ago (the pig tail). At that moment an owl burst through the window, dropped a letter and went away. That was not unusual. The unusual thing was, the envelope had a dead man's head-shaped seal and the address was written with blood. The letter itself read:

_I won't tell you where_

_Today, you silly!_

_Hated Harry Potter,_

_I shall come tonight at the exact moment you turn seventeen and eventually kill you._

_Dementor kisses_

_The Dark Lord_

_P.S.: Tell you Aunt Petunia I'm allergic to lobster, just in case they were planning a dinner to congratulate me._

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(don't worry, it will stop one day or another)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Voldemort is coming to kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil me!"

Harry leapt toward the phone (not being 17 yet, he still couldn't do magic) and called Hermione's home. Only he wished he had the number. Because he rediscovered the whole fun of calling (the author apologize for not knowing which number, but he's French. He just realize saying this will cause him being flamed by all Americans and English readers) some answering machine that would eventually inform you after ten minutes of guesswork that the number you are looking for is unavailable and, apart from your time, that you eventually lost 5 pounds calling. At that point (though he didn't care at all about Uncle Vernon five pounds), Harry felt like he needed to destroy every answering machine in UK, which he did by the way.

That was the moment were he heard a loud crash. A black-haired middle-aged woman appeared.

" I know you don't care at all about my name, and as the author made me from some teacher he hates at his high school, let's get straight to the point: the ministry sent me to arrest you for illegal performing of magic; actually, the author sent me so I can warn your friends.

So could you please warn Hermione?

Are you deaf or stupid? I just told you I was sent to arrest you!

But what you said about the author…

I hate the author: he's fren…"

Before she finished the sentence, it turned out Uncle Vernon's new TV was too heavy for the badly built second floor, and, by an extreme coincidence, that the-ministry-woman-who-was-not-named was right under it when it fell through the ceiling.

"Okay, she said, I'll go and get her"

She returned minutes later with Hermione. Harry explained the situation and asked her to get the twins (not Ron nor Ginny, who didn't have their apparition licence). When she returned, he realised he had forgotten something:

" I'm sorry, could you go and tell Ginny I love her?

Okay…CRASH…CRASH…Did it!

And could you also bring Lupin?

I'll do it…CRASH…CRASH…I brought tonks too.

I just saw really nice slippers in a catalogue, and I'd like too wear them before I die. Could you go to Madam Rosemerta's?

You know what? I'm bored…CRASH…CRASH…Here you are, the pink ones with a teletuby on it…"

Two minutes later, Uncle Vernon came back and said suddenly:

"You know what Petunia? We've forgotten to buy stamps!"

That was too much for Hermione.

"_Pluere stamps_"

The Dursleys were quite surprise to find themselves under an enormous pile of stamps.

Several hours later, having learnt the situation, the Dursleys found it was a good idea to go to the cinema for a long long time. It was almost midnight

" Harry, said, Hermione, could I see the letter again?

Of course, here you…"

The letter exploded literally and a loudvoice from nowheresaid:

"Come on Harry, do you think I'm so stupid that I'd let you know where I am to show up?"

The ministry woman begun:

" Technically, Harry James Potter, you must be arrested for having caused massive material destruction without any reason and have used your magic before you turn seventeen and…

I am seventeen.

Yes, but you weren't four hours ago!

I know, but I am now able to do things like that: _Pluere anvils_

Why, said a voice, is that always anvils?"

Harry and his friends turned round…


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer :** " And now, said professor MacGonnagle, we are going to learn a big principle in transfiguration: it is impossible to get the author of the story to be JKR, not to make him own any of the characters.

And the ministry of magic will condemn him if he makes money with that fanfiction, said Scrimgeour"

**Author's note:** Thank you so much for your reviews! I am happy you liked it. I promise you I'll keep doing it as long as I can.

Harry had a major shock seeing Snape coming in.

" I mean, he went on, the author could have some imagination: for example he could use big rocks, or…bigger rocks… I mean, like in the Road Runner & Wile Coyot TV show…"

At that very moment, an even bigger rock (okay, let's call it a meteor) got out of the Kuiper Bell by some inexplicable phenomenon and made its way toward Privet Drive.

" Don't you think I saw that coming? See? You have no imagination at all!

I would say the interest of an anvil is triple: it is heavy, it hurts, and it hurts badly…, said a voice under the anvils pile

And by the way, said Harry, I thought your favourite TV show was the Teletubbies, not the Road Runner.

What makes you think that?

I don't know, you told it in another fanfiction, so I guess it's true.

No it isn't!

So I guess you don't mind if I burn those, said Harrry showing the slipper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PLEAAAAAASE! I give you my wand!

Thank you, I had just forgotten how to take it from you.

Ten points from Griffyndor, I guess, for not knowing a basic…OOPS! I forgot they fired me totally unfairly.

Harry, said Lupin, you know it's _Expelliarmus_… Oh no!"

Lupin found himself surprised to have eight wands in his hands as everybody else was on the ground.

"I GOT THEM, said Snape. I got the teletubbies slippers! Well, Harry sorry I can't kill you tonight, goodbye…CRASH"

Harry bent toward the pile of anvils.

" Will you give me my apparition test if I get you out of here?

Okay, here you are, said the voice as a hand holding a paper was drawn out. Can you get me rid of those?

Certainly not!"

Everyone apparated away.

WARNING: The following scene is designed for the movie

_Several hours later:_

_The pile of anvils is moving. An anvil falls. Suddenly a big black shape emerges but stays in the dark. You hear the tum tum tum tutu tum tutu tum thing._

_A hooded wizard appears._

"_Will you follow me?_

_SHHHH-HHHO. Yes, my master_

_Great let's get that Luke Sky…"_

The author apologizes for having mistaken his Harry Potter and Star Wars notes and for having badly imitated the theme and Darth Vader's breath. It actually turned out the boring ministry woman died a few hours later. A pity Harry didn't think of making a Hoxcrux.

Anyway, at that moment, Harry was too busy undressing Ginny and…XXXXXXX-CENSORED-YOU ARE RATED kids , NOT adult-XXXXXXXX.

After that censored episode, Hermione burst into the room and said.

"Harry! MacGonnagle is here, she wants you right now"

He ran down the stairs and found the new Headmistress waiting.

" Harry, you should be expelled of Hogwarts!

What did I do?

Nothing, you were just supposed to tell me you wouldn't go back there.

Err…then…I don't care, because, I…err…didn't want to go back there anyway.

BUT YOU HAVE TO!

You told me to say that!

You still must go to Hogwarts!

Okay

You're not getting it Harry: you are supposed to bargain over the conditions of you returning.

But I want to go back!

You have to bargain! Say you want to be given your potion NEWT.

Okay, I won't come back unless I am given my potion NEWT.

Your potion NEWT? And what else? As long as Hogwarts will be, I shall never accept this! You will return to Hogwarts as you left last year, and consider us good if we give you your apparition licence.

But what should I say?

You bargain! Ask for something.

I don't care about the apparition licence, I already got one. I want…err…right to bring any stuff I will by at Fred and George's.

You know what? You should add full access to the restricted section of the library, Harry.

Okay then, I want Fred and George's stuff and the library restricted section.

I guess it's a deal."

After this Monthy Python-like bargain, Tonks came toward him:

" Harry! We think the unidentified Hoxcrux may figure in a book in the restricted section of Hogwarts library. However, you are NOT supposed to go there and we DO NOT want you to investigate that.

Okay, I see, said Harry, wondering why adults couldn't just solve their problems by themselves. Which books?

Well, you are allowed to look NEITHER into "Hoxcruxes, how to make them and how to destroy them" NOR into "All the stuff belonging to the four founders of Hogwarts".

Which page, for the second one?

Filch would be extremely disappointed if page 38 of the second book I've never heard about was torn out."

Harry ran upstairs to inform his friends. But when he entered the room, he saw nobody…


End file.
